Batman.  Who doesn’t love Batman?

I know.  Why oh why didn’t I go see this one in the theaters?  Well, I don’t know.  As in, I don’t even know where the local theater is.  I’m just not digging the local scene.  So I didn’t see it … until now.  The Dark Knight.  What can I say?

Meh.

Warning: If you haven’t seen the movie yet, don’t read this blog yet.

It was a Batman movie.  I’m really liking this new direction of Batman movies that began with (of all unimaginative titles) Batman Begins.  And there are two things that I love about the world of Batman: the gadgets, and the Joker.  So you’d think that I’d absolutely love The Dark Knight.

Meh.

It was okay.  Kinda long.  A bit low on action.  And otherwise just underwhelming.

First, Two Face is a character that was always interesting to me.  They killed him off in the same movie that they brought him out.  And considering all of the long drawn-out backstory to introduce him before he was “changed” into Two Face, you really have to wonder what in the ever-loving hell they were thinking!  Just kill him off after that much of an introduction?  He barely even had time to be … anything other than good ol’ Harvey.  So that’s a big nasty letdown.  He was fascinating, and yet this rendition barely even got face time.

The second big nasty letdown was The Joker.  He’s my favorite bad guy, by far.  In nearly every version (comics, cartoons, movies, etc.) he’s either incredibly vicious and unpredictable, or he’s very entertaining and funny.  Or both.  And he’s always very acrobatic and nasty in a fight.

Except for this time.

He was the only bad guy that I ever thought truly gave Batman a real problem to deal with.  Because no matter how smart Bruce Wayne is, and how many resources he has, you just can’t out-think whimsical.

Except, again, for this time.  I mean, sure, Batman has to win in the end.  But it was like no one was even really trying.

I don’t think it was Heath Ledger’s fault.  I’m sure he gave it the direction he was told to.  But he had the incredible misfortune of being, by far, the least enjoyable rendition of The Joker.  Ever.  Not funny.  Not nearly nasty enough.  Not crazy enough.  And a lousy fight.  And so not like Heath Ledger for that matter.  He would have made the perfect Joker.  So why did they cast him for the part if they weren’t going to let him be himself?

Perfect example:  The scene as The Joker is leaving the hospital, in nurse drag, detonating the building as he leaves.  The Joker I know would have skipped out merrily like a schoolgirl grinning like mad at the explosions.  There’d have been a great Joker Smirk and a jump for joy.  Something.  Instead they pull a lame gag of the explosions stop and The Joker fiddles with the detonator in frustration.  And even there the Joker I know would have shrugged, said meh, and tossed the malfunctioning detonator behind him (only to have that cause the explosions to resume) while he skips off.  Instead he just fixes it and continues walking away.  No persona whatsoever.

Pretty much everything about The Joker was done wrong.

Like as wrong as killing Two Face after only just having introduced him as Two Face.

And then there was that cameo appearance of Scarecrow at the beginning.  Oooh.  Nothing.  And Lau, who was hardly even a bad guy.  Blah!

Okay, so the bad guys were bad.  But the good guys were good … right?

Wrong.

Batman is all about gadgets.  In this movie he had a whole four new gadgets.  And one wasn’t even new.  His tank / the Batmobile, upon destruction, ejects a motorcycle.  (With more guns than the tank had?  Huh?)  It was cool, but not by much.  No new Batmobile.  His “new” vehicle gadget is just the ejection seat of his old one.  Boring!  And again, why did it have so many guns?  That’s so not Batman.  And it makes no sense!

The second new gadget was his cell-phone sonar.  Which was basically like the TV-analog gadget-of-the-day.  It’s invented in the beginning, and comes in to save the day just in time in the end, but otherwise leaves you wondering where the practicality of bothering to invent it really was were it not for the magical Script Land necessity.  But okay.  At least it’s something.

And the third is the new Bat Suit, which, honestly, his suit was already so darn cool that a new one really didn’t make much difference.  It’s all way high-tech techno-babble wonderment.  (Just as anything for Batman should be.)  But it’s really nothing new.  He can move his neck now.  Oooh.  Yay?  And again, it’s got that one TV-analog gadget-of-the-day that’s introduced in the beginning just to save him in the nick of time at the end that otherwise leaves you wondering why in the world anyone would have put a million ejectable razorblades into a one-use arm dealie.  It’s an incredibly useless weapon most of the time.  Were it not for the script…

Oh, and then there was Batman’s fourth, a gun that shoots sploogy wads that stick to stuff.  That explode when their timers go off.  Guns are so … not Batman.  Okay, so he doesn’t really use it like a gun, but still…

And that’s pretty much that.  Meanwhile I don’t recall Batman ever having once used an actual grappling gun.  Or any nifty Utility Belt (in style) little gadgets.  In fact, I’m not even sure he threw a single Batarang.  I remember seeing them, but I don’t remember him using them.  And the one gadget that Batman doesn’t have?  A police-band radio!?!?!  Come on!  Batman has to fight off SWAT teams to save hostages because of all of the things he does have, he doesn’t have a freaking police radio?  WTF?!

So the gadgets were disappointing, and in a lot of ways not quintessential Batman.

And then there’s the Batman voice.  I’m so tired of hearing (or more to the point, struggling to hear) the quiet gravelly “I’m Batman” forced whisper.  I know, I know.  He can’t go around with Bruce Wayne’s voice.  Like so many bad comic book super hero disguises, a pair of glasses does not a costume make.  I appreciate some effort at an actual disguise.  But surely we can find something a little better.  I guess it’s supposed to sound scary, but I swear every time I hear that voice I’m expecting Gordon to hand Batman a Ricola and tell him he should see a doctor about that.  It’s just … bad.  And not the good kind of bad.  It’s the bad kind of bad.  It’s just bad.  Get it?  Bad.  Like the rest of everything in the movie.  Bad!

And why is Batman so prone to collateral damage in these movies?  He just destroys private property like he owns it!  Blow up a few cars.  Tear up a few buildings.  No one will mind.  Riiiiiight.  We love you, Batman!  (Not.)  I sure hope that Bruce is donating lots of funds to the Victims Of Batman, because I’m not sure that everyone has insurance.

So … yeah.  The plot was meh.  The bad guys were meh.  Batman was meh.

There were only two redeeming values that made it worth the watch.  (And if you  haven’t seen it, and are a Batman fan, then most unfortunately it is worth the watch.)  The first, it’s realistic Batman.  I like relaistic Batman.  Batman was always defined by being a (relatively) normal guy.  No super powers.  I like seeing Batman getting cuts and bruises.  I like seeing Batman using gadgets that look like they came out of an actual R&D lab instead of a comic book.  It’s real.  It’s raw.  It’s exactly who Batman should be.

The second is that it’s Batman being the anti-hero, The Dark Knight.  He’s not there for the glory.  He’s not there for the action.  He’s simply there to make the world (or at least his part of it, Gotham City) a better place.  If that means being big bad scary Batman, so be it.  If that means being a public hero, so be it.  If that means being Public Enemy Number One, so be it.  He gets the job done, period.  He’s a vigilante with morals.  Sometimes he’s “good”.  Sometimes he’s “bad”.  But the city is always safer for it, and he never kills … if he can help it … more or less.  (Because, of course, every good plot has to push limits.)

So … yeah.  It’s a movie.  And because it’s a Batman movie, especially this realistic Batman, it’s a must-see.  But all that said, it runs waaay longer than it has action for, and it’s really a letdown in a lot of ways.  I can only give it a three out of five Flying Razor-Edged Joker Cards of Death.  (Which is yet another thing missing from The Joker in this movie … him throwing his cards.)

It’s really a shame that it’s Heath Ledger’s last movie.  I liked him.  It’s a shame they didn’t let his quirkiness out more in The Joker.  It’s a shame that’s going to be the last role people remember him as.  He was so much better than that.