So last night on the Sci-Fi channel was BloodRayne II: Deliverance.
DON’T WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!
There. You’ve been warned. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s quite clear, right there, don’t watch this movie. Trust me.
Okay, so the first movie of BloodRayne was dull as sin … which is actually a strange statement for people to make since I’ve often found sin to be quite enjoyable, where as BloodRayne wasn’t. You have a half vampire … that generally tries not to be a vampire … but seems to have no real qualms with sucking blood when it suits her purpose. In medieval times. I suppose she’s meant to be hot. At least in the temperature sense, since she’s always running around scantily clothed while everyone else dresses sanely. Which no one seems to notice or mind. And instead of vamping people, she runs around with something kind of like bladed tonfa (or a pair of somethings that are a cross between swords and police batons if you prefer) and chops off the heads of vampires with them. Or, well, more often just slits their throats. It’s a strange vampire lore when that kills vampires left and right, but whatever.
So that’s the first movie.
The second movie? Same thing. Only she also carries some six shooters, because now it’s the wild west period instead of medieval.
If anything, the pace with which the movie moves (or in this case, doesn’t move) is just as slow and boring. The storyline just as dull. The acting just as bad. And the period accuracy just as inaccurate. Yippee ki-yay!
Oh, wait, it gets better. The “bad guy” this time isn’t just a vampire. He’s Billy The Kid. In vampire form. With a bad European accent. (Because there’s no such thing as an American master vampire I guess.) And he’s come to the town of Deliverance to steal people’s kids and turn himself an army of vampires. Why? Because. Just … because.
And even though in the first movie pretty much anything could kill a vampire, in this one … supposedly … only silver bullets sprinkled with holy water and rubbed in garlic can kill vampires. Normal bullets just piss them off. Except that, having laid that rule down in the beginning of the movie, by the end the plot seems to have forgotten details like that.
Frankly, I just don’t get it. Now, I haven’t played the BloodRayne video games. Maybe there’s actually something to enjoy there. But certainly not in the movies. And of the two, most definitely not in the second movie. At all. Not even a little.
So please, for the sake of Pete, do not make an effort to see BloodRayne II: Deliverance. If you watch this movie, you will regret it. I give it a rating of zero, yes, zero European Vampire Billy The Kids out of five … or … well … any number, because no matter how you slice it zero is zero is zero in any fraction. It could be zero out of a million European Vampire Billy The Kids for all I care. It’s still zero. The movie still sucks just as badly.
Frankly, they could have done a Lego freeze-frame animation of little Lego wild west vampires being killed by a little Lego BloodRayne with little Lego bladed tonfas and sixshooters and it’d have at least made me chuckle. Where as BloodRayne II: Deliverance just made me groan and yawn the whole way through. I think I even napped for a bit without managing to miss a single thing. How bad is that?